I have been keeping away from falling too deep for someone for almost two years, for various reasons. I never let anyone get too close to me, never too close to be able to touch my emotions, never too close to see what’s underneath, what’s inside.
But even I, eventually, did it. I let someone in. And it was painful, because he wasn’t the right person, but it was beautiful.
Falling in love for someone, or the process of doing so, made me reconnect with all the emotions I had kept in for a long time. It allowed me to let my walls fall and feel again, and it was beautiful.
My whole life I have always been an emotional person, my eyes directly linked to my emotions, my tears very easy to come out. For any reason, happiness, sadness, nostalgia, anything will make me cry.
But the past couple of years I had fallen in a state in which it was impossible for me to cry; I have been in several situations in which the old me would have cried her eyes out, I have been to funerals, I have lost loved ones and I have missed many people but my eyes stayed dry for the whole time. It was like something had dried up inside me and I did not have any tear to cry anymore.
Then, as I said, I fell in love. And in the process, I managed to reconnect to my feelings, to my emotions. I think I had kept everything hidden for so long that the first times even my tears were shy, it does not matter the amount of happiness or pain this person was bringing in my life, I would shed one or two tears and stop. And this would leave me unsatisfied, like my emotional self tried to push herself to come out but something kept pushing her back in.
Then, slowly, I let him get closer to me and my emotions started coming out again. I noticed that I teared up just by hearing his voice after a long time, I teared up when I couldn’t understand his actions, I teared up when I felt powerless and alone in my feelings, I teared up when he told me he missed me and he was sorry and he would change, until I busted out.
It was a weekend, almost three months ago, and I had spent the day with him, we had laughed, watched stand-up comedy, and made love many times when it hit me. And it was painful, and it was beautiful. He was laying on me, his head on my shoulder, his lips on my neck, when I felt it. I felt the tear coming and there was no way to stop them, they were there, finally and I let them out. I cried and sighed for a long time, it was powerful, it was painful, but it was beautiful; I felt myself again and I felt my emotions coming back to me with every sigh I let out. Any time he would hold me tighter to him I would feel a small piece of me coming back and patching my emotions up.
By the time I was done I started laughing. I hadn’t felt that light in years. I hadn’t let my emotions come out for a very long time. It was cathartic, it was painful, yes: but it was beautiful.
From that moment onwards, I felt my true, old, emotional, beautiful self coming back and now, three months from then, I know I still have a long way to go but I am happy to say I am healing.
They all say time heals everything, but I do not agree, time heals if we actively participate in the healing, if we learn to accept our vulnerabilities and make them become our strengths.
So, what I have learnt is that emotions do not make me weaker but make me complete. They just make me more myself. And I had missed me so much.
In the end, him and I did not have a happy ending, but I did get my own personal one.