The perfect chemical reaction

Of how loving you made me feel and how having lost you does.

I was talking to a friend today and I realised how, in reality, I have been grieving your loss for about a month or so. I realised I avoid not just thinking of you, but also thinking about your name or anything related to you. I had to stop reading some newspapers, I cannot watch sports news, I cannot listen to some podcasts. I realised that there are so many things that happen to me that I am dying to tell you, and I remember feeling just the same when I lost my grandma, many years ago. I feel like a part of me has gone, you have taken it with you. And the worst part is that I still love you. A lot.

You know, I have changed jobs since you’re gone. And it was hard, it was one of the most stressful things I have gone through, and all I have been thinking since then is how I would have loved to share that moment with you. I have to admit it, I almost messaged you in a moment of weakness but I managed to resist. I have not cried since you’re gone; or should I say, ‘since I have gone’, I can’t seem to fully comprehend what happened. Did you leave or did I? Does it matter? All that matters is that we’re not part of each other’s lives anymore and I still love you, I might even love you more now than I did a month ago, even more than I did yesterday. But I have to be strong.

I wrote you a million letters, I write to you almost every single day. You’re not here but you’re still the one I think of when I wake up, and before I go to bed. I have been having flashbacks, I found myself having to brace myself when I walk in the street, because the thought of you sometimes gets too strong. You would have laughed of me if you knew what happened once: I missed my stop because I was listening to a song and thinking of you. I ended up having to travel 30 minutes longer than needed but I got to kind of have a moment with you and they are so rare: as I said, I mostly have to avoid thinking of you.

But I forgive you, I forgive everything and that’s why I had to let you go. Nobody can afford to have such a weakness in their lives, not at this stage. I know it was for the best but I can’t help but thinking how good we could have been, how good this could have been. Maybe one day I will send you one of those letters, maybe I won’t. I am scared that you will fully understand what I meant when I said ‘I love you’. Because I know a love like this can be scary, I know because it scares me. It’s not just a feeling, it is a conscious decision. I decided to fall in love with you, it was rational. It made sense, it was like finally all the bad and good experiences I had gone through had served their purpose, you seemed like the answer, the light at the end of the tunnel, the perfect way sugar dissolves in warm water.

I guess when people feel like this, there are only two ways to end things: it’s either with a big flame or with a silent drop. I decided for the latter, no big arguments, nobody shouted. I said what I had to and you heard what you had to, not everything can be fixed. This is what I am taking with me.

I will probably never have a closure, but I doubt I’ll ever be strong enough to stand in front of you and let you go again. If I got the chance to see you again, I would probably never let go of you anymore, I would not be able to. Even writing this makes me understand I made the right choice but it makes me feel like I am living underwater… Yes, it’s beautiful, but I do miss the oxygen a little bit.

Avid reader, lover and red wine drinker. A walk through the emotional rollercoaster modern dating is.

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